


Why Can't It Be Me?

by wtfisgoingonanymore



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Drunkenness, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love, You'd think i learned how to tag by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:14:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26592733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtfisgoingonanymore/pseuds/wtfisgoingonanymore
Summary: The knights take Merlin out for a drink.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 64





	Why Can't It Be Me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [camelotsheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/camelotsheart/gifts).



> Soooo I wrote this ages ago based on a real experience. I posted it on Wattpad, but I changed some stuff this time to fit the context. So, I hope you enjoy!

"It's not easy, you know, being in love. Your life starts to change rapidly. Your world, your heart, your soul-all of you starts to revolve around that one person. You try and look your best for a simple glance and an approving smile. You try and do your best for a short congratulatory pat. You try and try and try, but sometimes, well most of the time if you're me, it never works out. No matter how much you try you just can't make anyone fall for you- unfortunately.

Or you know...you know, maybe it's just me. Maybe no one was ever meant to love me.

Heh, I always hoped too. I'm a hoper, you see -I always get my hopes up and they always end up cracking...with the occasional breaking. Recently though, I fell too hard. My hopes -my heart- was far from just broken this time. This time I really thought I had a chance, you know?. He raised my hopes up so high I couldn't even see the ground beneath me. All these banter he'd have with me, all these incredibly romantic things you do for me, all these dreamy, lovey-dovey, cutey things I've only ever dreamed about- they raised me up to the clouds, I tell you.

Guess I should have known it was too good to be true. 

Aside from being a foolish hoper, I was always open with my feelings. Everyone always tells me I wear my heart on my sleeve. Stupid of me, huh? 

It's just that when the time felt right, I just spat out how I felt.

_"I love you."_

_"Just to clarify...you do know I like girls, right?"_

I laughed and nodded. I brushed it off as just a joke, but...Of course, you did. Of fucking course. I should've known, huh? It was all too good to be true. I should've fucking known. No one is that perfect. 

And- And I tried! Oh god, I tried so hard to keep it in. I couldn't let anyone see just how much it hurt me. And then...And then I kept up the joke, you know? Saying the random "I love you" to him every once in a while as- as a joke. 

And you know? I feel like all this joking has made me a joke to him. He never takes me seriously anymore. He doesn't even talk to me, you know? Gone were all the smiles he sent me and all the pats he'd give me and all the- the...the banter we shared. It's all gone...and here I thought it was me, you know? I thought I finally screwed it all up...

It wasn't. Oh god, it wasn't, but it's so so much more. No, it wasn't me at all. 

He was giving them all to someone else. And she's beautiful, right? Fuck she's so beautiful. She's so so kind too. She's my best friend, and I'll admit I tried to hate her and be mad at her...I couldn't. She's so nice. It's so damn unfair....

Why couldn't he just love me back?! Why?! What's wrong with me?!

Why does it have to be her?! Why did it have to be someone soooo perfect and someone that's just so much better than me in every way? Why couldn't he love _**me** _ instead?! May- Maybe at least give me a chance!! Why won't...Why won't he look at me? 

Guys...Why can't he see me? Love me? Choose me?"

*

*

*

Gwaine felt the final blow in his chest as he watched Merlin finish his rant. He looked over to the other knights who looked almost as guilty as he was. They invited Merlin out to drink since they noticed he's been working extra hard for the wedding of Arthur and Gwen. All they wanted was to loosen him up with some mead. 

Merlin insisted that he didn't want to, but Gwaine pestered him into having one...and then another, and another until Merlin downed his 4th drink and started his rant. 

Merlin continued to sob as he begged for the king's love. 

Merlin, who smiled the widest even when things were at their darkest, is now in tears as he cradled the empty mug to his chest and curled into himself as he hid from the world. Merlin, who would crack a joke and make everyone laugh when it seemed that all they could see was the sadness of it all, looked as if he was pain and grief itself. 

Percival gently picked him up and the knights followed behind solemnly. They all tried their best to even think of a way they can help their friend -a word of advice, a gesture of comfort. 

They came up with none. 

How could you heal a man's heart when he no longer holds it in his hands?

They ended up laying him in silent— no words spoken since the beginning of Merlin's rant.

"Of 'course" Merlin mumbled in his sleep just before the knights could leave. He looked at them with a sad smile that looked as if it held the pain of a thousand years. 

"Guys, it could never be me. What man could ever love another man? Especially if that man was me."


End file.
